the future.

And people ask why I like this guy so much.


Kalbar(nyc): Alright, so the "July girl" on my calendar is so hot I still haven't turned to August. Any thoughts?

Paul Shirley: The future is overrated anyway.

bloody sunday.

I think I'm the only person in America who finds the "Lazy Sunday" SNL skits to be completely unfunny. Then again, "Everything popular is wrong."

i had a horrible super bowl game and all i got was this lombardi trophy

Ben Roethlisberger had less passing yards (122) than Hines Ward had recieving yards (123). Two things about that: 1)I haven't done the research, but I'll garuntee that's the first time that's happened in a Super Bowl, and 2) That's a perfect microcosm for Super Bowl XL.

In other news, Seattle got robbed.

It's not like a circus!

Sports reporters need to stop saying how Super Bowl Media Day is "like a circus!" First of all, that phrase was redundant by the third Media Day, which I'm pretty sure was in 1781. Secondly, Media Day isn't anything like a circus - a circus constists of people that are at least marginally competant at their jobs.


Two Super Bowl Media Day Blogs that you shoudln't miss:

Chuck Klostermen, senior writer for SPIN and author of "Sex, Drugs, and Coco Puffs"'s take on the Super Bowl week

Sports Guy Bill Simmons' first Media Day Blog from 2002

holdem blvd

My friend Mike, a pro poker player, just finished his new site http://www.holdemblvd.com . Go check it out! He just posted a good blog from a recent $5000 buy-in event in Denmark where he met Gus Hansen and Marcel Luske.

Make sure you check out the rakeback page, no good player should be without rakeback!

'The End of Faith: Religion, Terror, and the Future of Reason'

I found these links in another blog I read frequently, really good stuff:

The Problem with God: Interview with Richard Dawkins

An Atheist Manifesto

"Atheism is not a philosophy; it is not even a view of the world; it is simply a refusal to deny the obvious. "

"Religion is only area of our discourse in which people are systematically protected from the demand to give evidence in defense of their strongly held beliefs. "

"Atheism is nothing more than a commitment to the most basic standard of intellectual honesty: One’s convictions should be proportional to one’s evidence. Pretending to be certain when one isn’t--indeed, pretending to be certain about propositions for which no evidence is even conceivable--is both an intellectual and a moral failing."

Sam Harris' (author of An Athiest Manifesto) book

premature buddy bump.

Have you ever been a little hasty in moving someone up higher in your buddy list? Like, you talk to someone you haven't for a while or get what you think is a little somethin' going with an ex and you move them up your buddy list only to realize later that you either don't like talking to that person as much as you thought you would or that there was a reason you dumped the dumb skank?


I never have, just wondering.

#2

For some reason, when you stand up off the toilet after a nice little session and stretch your legs, it's a really good stretch. As if your body can sense it's a little lighter than when you sat down and gives you a little "awww yeaa, that's what I'm talkin' about, let's do this."

*tear*

.


This latest episode of 'Making the Band' hit me particularly hard.


.

cliff notes.

My new favorite past time - watching the Real World Reunion shows without ever having seen an episode. It's a perfect Cliff's Notes version of the whole season.

My predictions about the past season just from watching the reunion:

- Boston dude that got clocked and had shit on his face for the first whatever episodes was a total cocky hothead who went off all the time

- Blonde girl he ended up with slutted it up for first half of show

- Ugly girl was insecure about being uglier than 99% of the people featured on the show

- Blonde guy just kinda was there to get action

- Black guy was uber-racially-sensitive

- The fact that the "groupie drawer" got unveiled was mad funny

- Scarfs aren't going away anytime soon.

- Hat over your ears - ghey and will catch on.


PREDICTION: The marriage between the blonde slut and the boston hat-over-ears dude was at the very least encouraged by MTV and maybe even choreographed and their wedding WILL AIR on MTV in the next year.

SO FUCKING BOOK IT!!!!!!!!111

wilde thing.

Oscar Wilde:

"The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else."

"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months."

"Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow."

"Everything popular is wrong."

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. "

"It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious."

"It is through art, and through art only, that we can realise our perfection."

"It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it."

"Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community."

"Life is too important to be taken seriously."

"The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius."

"There is no sin except stupidity."

"This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last." (yes, this was quoted by willy wonka)

"Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat. "


and my personal favorite for some reason -

"Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best."

jay oh bee.

Weissman420: sorry im on the phone
Weissman420: actually started my own "real" job
oOkayPlayer: haha nice
oOkayPlayer: doin what?
Weissman420: selling legal help
oOkayPlayer: ah
oOkayPlayer: i used to sell illegal help
oOkayPlayer: people would hire me to park their car in a loading zone or knock over mailboxes and whatnot

vicariousness.

From someone's away message:

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is quarterback who can throw the ball to the right team, a wide receiver who can catch a 20 yard pass, and a cornerback who can cover 35 yr old men, and a coach who can well lets see coach. With 5 secs left we could have ran one play to the sidelines or just threw up a hail mary. But noooooooooo.... Andy, slimfast Reid sends in David Akers to attempt a 643 yard field goal that went as far as Jose Cortez' kickoffs. What the fuck. Also while we are at, please also sned me a kickoff returner. I'm sick and tired of watching roderick hood sprint right into a pile of players and the 20 yrd line and fall down!!!!! >:o


Dear Eagles Fans,

First let's get one thing straight - as far as I know, no one that is currently on the Philadelphia Eagles roster is also currently on my AIM buddy list, nor are they someone I see in person on a regular basis. STOP REFERRING TO THE TEAM AS "WE"!

Secondly, it's Wednesday. If you are still talking about, upset about, depressed about, or discussing the Eagles game from Monday night, you need to either find some of your own adventures to go on or drink Cyanide.

Donovan Mcnabb is not "the worst quarterback ever," nor is it true that he "can not win a game." Andy Reid is not "stupid" nor is he "the worst coach ever." In fact, it is preposterous to contend any of these positions from your position of limited information combined with the fact that none of you have any fucking idea what you're talking about when it comes to pro football. Even if you had a valid argument, it would have been lost in the cul-de-sac of bad grammar and out of breath from the marathon of run on sentences.

In closing, it's fucking Wednesday; go read a book and get over it.

-Me

P.S. Maurice Cheeks is the worst coach ever and Allen Iverson is the worst basketball player ever.

lol.

oOkayPlayer: i TOTALLY agree with you about short brunettes
bSweets1lv: lol
bSweets1lv: whats up
oOkayPlayer: the most overrated things in teh world are tall blondes and reading books
bSweets1lv: and reading books huh
oOkayPlayer: for sure
oOkayPlayer: why do that when you have TV?
bSweets1lv: lol
bSweets1lv: for sure
oOkayPlayer: speaking of which, holy fuck about laguna beach lately!
bSweets1lv: i work so much i dont follow it
oOkayPlayer: you are SOO missing out

the return of bSweets1lv

guess who's back! issssa me

out shoppin and tannin' then back to make dinna with o'conz O:-)hit it up
________________________________________________

ENNAJANE: short brunettes are the hotness

the 9-6-0 rocks my world....I luv us too*

this girl has got sugar * ~million dollar baby

like pb and j babe


I'm honestly not sure if I want to laugh or chew on razorblades.

told ya so.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

prediction.

Fall Out Boy - a band you will know in a month.

So it took more than a month, but the streak clearly continues.

highest form of metacomedy.

headkace18: hey guess what i'm doing
BronYrAur82: what
headkace18: GRADUATING WITH HONERS BITCH!!
BronYrAur82: I like how you mispell honors in that sentence

-------

Me, upon reading that as BronYrAur82's away message:
oOkayPlayer: yea, and i like how you misspelled "mispell"

more betterer.

The military is currently testing a chip in the brains of rats that can replace and enhance the hippocampus section of the brain - the section that is responsible for memory - to eventually implant in soliders so they will remember more of their trainging and in turn be far more effective in fighting.

Instead of working to become more effective at carrying out war, how about we work to become more effective at preventing war - just a thought.

rocket man.

'Inside the Actors' Studio' has officially jumped the shark.

Inside the Actors Studio : Elton John (Talk / Tabloid) Musician Elton John discusses his career. TVPG CC

baseball.

I have no idea who is left in the MLB playoff ... and I'm quite happy with that.

Someone the other day asked me what I don't like about baseball. Instead of answering them, I told them what I DO like about baseball. I will post that list here now:

What I Like About Baseball

1. Field of Dreams


Yea, that's pretty much it.

multitasking.

Damn, it must be exhausting to rail against the establishment and sell out at the same time.

The TAINTED LOVE singer...

Um, yea, my band did a cover of Stairway to Heaven that I sang once. Can I now bill myself as 'Led Zepplin frontman' ?

And Marilyn, if you're still under the dillusion that you're not a complete joke, check out the links they grouped you with in the 'also see' group:

Also see:
MARILYN MANSON
BRITNEY SPEARS
JENNIFER LOPEZ
BEYONCE KNOWLES
PARIS HILTON
HILARY DUFF

...ouch.

comments.

Apparently one tactic those sly internet whiz advertisers have chosen to devote time and money to is posting comments in my blog with links to their sites - you know, since my site gets SO much traffic. Here are some of my favorites thus far:

Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!I have a herpes site/blog. It pretty much covers herpes related stuff.Come and check it out if you get time :-)

____________________________________________________

Fast cars, bald guys, good women. What more can you want??? I love your bolg. I have a clumbed site you should check out.


Man, if I had herpes or "clumbing" problems, I'd be dead set!

greatest hit(s) ??

Now, I was about 50% sure I would post about the fact that Limp Bizkit and Blink 182 were coming out with "Greatest Hits" albums for a few reasons.

1. Neither The Biz's nor 182's "greatest hits" can even claim to span even more than a 3 album range, so buyers of this album would only be making their CD collection more efficient by 2 albums.
2. In this age of downloading and burning music, it is equally costly for someone to legally download the songs and burn them as it is to buy a greatest hits CD - not to mention that you can pick and choose the songs you want and usually put more songs on the CD than are on the store bought version.

OK, so GIVEN all that, here's the one I REALLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYY don't get:


FUCKING BLIND MELON IS COMING OUT WITH A GREATEST HITS CD!!!!!

Unless there is one song on this CD, this is the biggest lie ever perpetrated in music.

People that use "cool" fonts in weird colors for their text on AIM are usually making up for the lack of original or creative thought in the actual content of their text.

"hey, im talking to you!"

My new biggest office pet peeve:

Incredibly unfunny people constantly making me take my headphones out to tell me incredibly unfunny and unamusing things.


(Credit to Anonymous for correcting my spelling of 'peeve')


ADENDUM:

BronYrAur82: haha is anonymous someone you know?
oOkayPlayer: re-read that question and think of how ridiculous it is

re-elect mayor obvious!

Today they announced a "voluntary evacuation" in Galveston, Texas because of Hurricane Rita.

Am I the only one that sees the sheer pointlessness of this? Isn't everyday a voluntary evacuation day?

"Hey guys, if you want to leave the city, you're allowed to now."
"Oh thank you for not forcing us to stay in the path of a hurricane; you are doing a wonderful job as an elected official."

unfortunate

The guy who had to cut off his arm after getting it pinned between two boulders while hiking has come out with a book entitled "Between a Rock and a Hard Place."

10% - chance I think I'd be able to convince myself to cut off my own arm with a pocket knife in that situation.
90% - chance that, if I did, I would write a book about it.
100% - chance I'd be able to avoid using a pun in the title.

- and ;

The semi-colon and dash are drastically underused in writing; The comma is both drastically overused and chronically improperly used -- see.

blogs.

***************DISCLAIMER***************

IF YOU ARE A BORING PERSON THERE

IS A VERY REAL CHANCE THIS POST

WILL OFFEND YOU.

So, as I said in my original post at the top of my "blog," I would not be attempting to make a typical blog as is ordinarily understood. This will not be a journal of my day's activities; it is a collection of funny and/or witty thoughts. If you don't think it's funny and/or witty, don't read it.

That being said, people that DO publish the typical version of blogs are usually appallingly boring and should refrain from doing so. If you write a blog and it in any way resembles this passage, you are boring and you should stop writing - "I went to the store today to get shampoo but they were out of the kind I usually get so I had to get another kind. Jordan is coming today and I CAN'T WAIT! He's so nice, I think he might actually be the one." How fucking deluded do you have to be to think that this kind of noise about your daily activities would be even minutely amusing to anyone? In how many aspects of rational thinking do you have to be broken to think this resembles writing fit for public consumption?

If you read that last part and said "Well my blog is for me, I use it like a journal and I don't care if other people see it," then ask yourself why you are taking the time to publish it on the web and not just writing it in MS Word or in a notebook. I admit I want people to read mine; I like to know what people think is funny and tune my writing craft accordingly.

In conclusion, take down your stupid blog; it's mere existance is annoying.

*credit 'anonymous' once again for correcting the spelling of 'appalling'. (I really wish these people would sign their comments)

helping hand.

It's nice to see the world's big music stars all chipping in in the hurricane relief effort - Velvet Revolver just did a concert in which they donated 100% of the proceeds to the Red Cross, U2 is, as always, doing numerous outreach programs to raise money for the effort, and now Godsmack is doing their part. In a stunning act of selflessness, Godsmack has given the ultimate gift to the effort that will no doubt help thousands of families to get back on their feet... they, you guessed it, started a blog.

You can now go to http://officialgodsmack.blogspot.com/ and read entries urging people to reach out and help the families in need. I agree with Godsmack; it's much better to encourage others to be proactive while feigning proactiveness than to actually BE proactive. That way it doesn't cut out of your X-Box time.

r fucking kelly.

If you are or know anyone that thinks that the new R. Kelly fucking closet song even remotely resembles anything that can be considered as having one inkling of any signs of original or artistic thought, please contact me as soon as possible because I want to kill you or them. I'm serious. This will be the first time I think I would actually be capable of killing someone. Not only because the utilitarian in me wants the world to be collectively less staggeringly idiotic, but also because it will guarantee that you will never get together with another empty-headed conformist and have kids that will ever interact with my kids.

I'm serious here, I actually want to be contacted with names of people that like this absolute fucking sad excuse for an artform that I love. I am awaiting your emails: shronk@gmail.com.

date my daughter, she's a complete imbecile!

19 year old lush to her mom before the mom tries to woo a young player on MTV's Date My Fuckhole: "Make sure you tell him I like pink! Make sure you tell him about the Pink Brigade!"

Ho

Lee

Shit.

"So yea, I'm definitely in favor of campaign finance reform, I enjoy probability functions and high brow string theory debate, and OH YEA, I'm TOOOOOOOTALY a member of the PINK BRIGADE! Seriously, is there NO BETTER COLOR to have a BRIGADE honoring! Like, OH MY GAWD! Pink is just, like, like, like, the best! For REAL!"



I'm so glad I don't own a gun.




Well, on second thought, I guess if I was going to date some chick's mom to find out if I'd like them, I'd rather know right off the bat that they're a part of the Pink Brigade, rather than finding it out after spending 45 seconds with the person and going, "Wow, it's staggeringly appauling how absolutely fucking stupid you really are. Please stay here. I am going to try to find someone to take my four thousand dollar bet that you are, INDEED, part of the Pink Brigade. Ummmm, yea, have another Cosmo and try not to blow three guys while I go do that."

move over.

Seriously, why isn't there ONE good Melissa Joan Hart website on the entire net?? ... killin me.

I wish Julia Styles (dont know if thats right, the girl from save the last fuckhole) had a face that didnt look like she was born under a steamroller, cuz her ass if FANTASTIC.

new slang.

Cardiobunny (as coined by Chris Burns) - an attractive female who is proven to be cardiovascularly physically fit, demonstrated by either an obviously physically fit body or by actaully seeing the bunny in question cardio-ing.
Used in a sentence: "I gotta get me a cardiobunny yo!"

Bacardiobunny (as coined by Chuck Bridgen after mis-hearing Chris say cardiobunny) - a girl that may or may not be attractive that drinks alchohol frequently.
Used in a sentence: "I gotta get me a bacardiobunny yo!"
Synonyms: frat floosie, lush.

the way to a woman's heart.

The stunningly beautiful and even more flippant Margaret Webb-Horst, after reading Jason Mraz's (with whom she is obsessed) girlfriend's blog and finding out she is both EXTRAORDINARILY stupid and STAGGERINGLY boring, to a colossally synergistic degree, put up an away message expressing her disgust. Apparently infamously slick Nate Dawg (possibly of G-Funk fame) decided this would the prime moment to swoop in and woo the distressed damsel. Here's how cassanova fared:

Auto response from margwh11: why do cool guys date dumb girls?
natedawgd02: not all of us do...take me for example
natedawgd02: miss ya girl...hope your doing well

I have an idea: a getaway weekend for this clown and Mraz's girlfriend to Jimmy Coolguy's "How To Not Be phenomenally Boring And Not Mix Up Homonyms" seminar in SUNNY JAMAICA! Meanwhile, Margaret and I will be in the sauna with Jason and some Pina Coladas and maybe some light jazz; let the games begin.

fuh-eva? fuh-eva-eva?

another gem from rich Boston University frat floosie bSweets1lv:

all my 960 crew comin to wake me up at 2 in the mornin bc they missed me has got to be the best surprise eva :-D

...worst away message "eva"

. 

sorry.

Sorry guys, there's a post-Josua Tree U2 song I like. Well, I don't know if I like it, it's just occured to me that I might just think I like it since it doesn't make me want to stick my finger through my eye and into my brain and swirl it around like Vertigo does or their other nihilistic songs that are no longer about streets that aren't named like in South Jersey.

Also, I have to use Entourage and an excuse. The guys from the show went to a U2 concert in the show and they played the song. So maybe its not-making-me-swish-my-finger-around-in-my-brain-by-association - who knows. I do know this: this U2 thing coupled with me liking 2 Linkin Park songs and some Emo stuff does not bode well for my musical smugness about other people's taste, or rather lack thereof, in music.

problems, "with" - punctuation!!!!

One of the things I do at my job is to take the sheets that show how much scrap was created and for what reason and put it into a database for the webpage so that overseas customers can see how the product is running. Some of the machine operators use, shall we say, interesting punctuation methods. Take Mr. John Berish for example, who would like me to know that: "Some tangled spools. Ran Sample. Problems with bad braid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (breaks.)" This guy seriously has tactile torrets or something, he just does that at least once a day on some inconsequential item in his list.

Then we have Sir Ronald Greene who leaves me with tidbits like: "Teardown and clean machine (had a bad "leak") set up machine after "cleaning" " To those of you who think that you're just missing some insider talk that would necessitate those words to be specifically quoted, you would be wrong. He just randomly puts quotes around weird shit. I wish he didn't work third shift and I could talk to him cuz I really want to see if he arbitrarily fingerquotes that often in conversation.

as if 80s music wasn't already a contradiction

On Netscape Radio's "One-Hit Wonder" station, they just played the song "Don't Tell Me You Love Me" by Night Ranger and for the album the song was off it had listed "Night Ranger: Greatest Hits."

... one of them is lying.

They also played "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak, which I thought was somewhat unfair. I think they should let him count his guest appearance on Friends as a "hit."

Oh yea?

oOkayPlayer: my boss was just on the phone and said somethign to someone that almost sounded like an insult, but wasn't
GarbeRules: ??
oOkayPlayer: "Oh yea? Why dont you take some of that stuff and ship it to Rodderdam!"
GarbeRules: hahaha
GarbeRules: its the rodderdam that makes it work

beatings.

First off, I need The Mars Volta, The Foo Fighters and Miles Davis to kick the shit out of me so I stop finding Sarah McLaughlin songs I like.

Second, before the dawn of Reality TV, the number of people on television whose ass I wanted to kick was considerably less than it is today. Bravo seems to the best at finding these people (Show Whatever Moms and Fucks, Way Gay Haircut Guy Show), but MTV is gaining quickly (Date My Mom, Lead-Singer-from-Crappy-Pseudo-Punk-band-hides-cameras-in-your-house show, The Real World: The New Class).

As a sidenote, I've started going up to complete strangers and saying "date my mom" and waiting for a reaction; it's proven to be quite ammusing. (thumbs up to the camera Lincoln Tech style) "Thanks MTV!"

the internet.

oOkayPlayer: yo, i just emailed you
CharlieBubbles9: i just replied
oOkayPlayer: awesome, we are successfully communicating inefficiently

AOLs crack team of advertising experts.

If someone put together an advertising team to come up with the commercial I would hate the most, it would be the exact commercial that was just on AOL radio:

A REMIXED version of "Holla Back Girl" fades in... a female voice begins to speak ... "Hi, this is Paris Hilton and you're listening to AOL radio." ... then... she giggled. She actually giggled.

That's when I blacked out. Let's set aside the sheer ridiculousness of the thought that I might need someone to tell me I'm listening to AOL radio as if I thought the music was just being played from above, do they think the kind of people who have the technological acumen to be listening to AOL radio are the 9 and 10 year old girls this "ad" would work on?

Advertising people baffle me.

This is the same AOL team that spent 12 years wasting over 400 million dollars mailing people "Free 100 Hours of AOL" floppy disks and CDs. In the words of Adam Sandler portraying Jerry Seinfeld: "Who are ad wizards that came up with this one?!"

today's lesson.

oOkayPlayer: theres a deaf guy at my work that always gets the dates wrong on his paperwork, you think thats cuz he can't see?
BronYrAur82: no no no, "deaf" means he can't talk
oOkayPlayer: shit
oOkayPlayer: ive been giving him the finger all the time thinking he cant see
oOkayPlayer: ahh, you know what, thats probably why he calls me "mother fucker"
oOkayPlayer: see, learn somethin every day

funny friends.

These are the responses I got after spamming my friends on AIM with "say something funny for my blog." :

spongeblake35: what's the deal with the small bag of peanuts they hand out on airplanes?
BurnsOSU88: i NEED to get my hairs cut
GarbeRules: one time when i woke up in your apartment, i though i was back in kindergarten b/c it smelled like golden raisens and elmer's glue
Myself By Colin: what does your shirt mean?
Shishka721: you can't say something funny if no one thinks your funny. and i'm pretty sure no one thinks i'm funny. Just get mom to do it. She'll say something so stupid it will be funny
AliSweet3 signed off at 2:34:52 PM.
+12155823909: (In irish accent)2 fargin drunks were walkin down the road when they saw a dog lickin his cock & balls. Then the one drunk said to the other, i wish the fuck i could do that!
BronYrAur82: Giant has microwave popcorn called "KaPop" and they have granola bars called "Chewy Granola Bars"
Smartass Puzar: i think if i could be funny on cue, i'd have turned that into a career somehow already
JDEisnerIEI: biakabatuka ...or boob
headkace18: oh wait
EliseWG: damn, i can't be funny on demand....we're all not as talented as you are : )

(sidenote, my answer when BronYrAur82 then asked me back for something funny to go in his blog:
oOkayPlayer: if you could buy dirt really inexpensively, can you still say youre getting it dirt cheap or would you have to modify the metephor to something cheaper than dirt like ... i dont know... colins mom ?)

Homestar Runner finally made the cover! 

pet pieve:

miniature versions of already bite-sized food.

best bet ever.

BronYrAur82: Fretz is trying to figure out how to give mono from one girl to another without getting infected himself. I told him I'll give him $100.

discovery.

This from a 22 year old frat floosie's AIM away message:

holler at yo girl

Apparently wealthy Boston University suburbanites whose only urban experience of any kind comes from The Real World have alternate spellings for urban vernacular. I wonder if the rest of us are allowed to use them.

Typical spellings usually go something like "holla atcha girl" or even "holla at ya girl." "Holler at yo girl" is how my freakin 60 year old aunt would say it ... and she's an accountant.

problems with stairs.

So, while the plant was on it's annual 2 week shutdown and no one except me was here (playing World of Warcraft and poker 6 hours a day) they apparently hired a crew to paint the one staircase in the plant bright red with bright yellow stripes on each stair. I can only assume this was in direct response to repeated employee complaints that the stairs were hard to see??

(fade into business meeting, morning)

Guy In Suit 1: "Man, where is Johnson, we gotta start this meeting."

Man comes barging in the door with a huge gash on his head.

Guy In Suit 1: "Jesus! Johnson what happened!"

Johnson: "I ran into that goddamn staircase again!"

Guy In Suit 1: "... we really have to get that thing painted."

Another possible set of circumstances leading up to the staircase's chromatic change would be that people were not seeing it and just walking straight and then being dumbfounded as to why they are on the 2nd floor all of a sudden. That would be great; someone would definitely go at least partially insane from that.

So the staircase is now red for everyone to... not run into, and to... not accidentally change floors. I'm going to start suggesting in meetings that we paint other stuff bright colors; for instance, people are always running into windows cuz they don't see them right?

ADENDUM:

Myself By Colin: stairs have a habit of sneaking up on you
Myself By Colin: they are like fuckin ninjas
Myself By Colin: vietcong ninjas

cotton candy again, yuck

they really need to make the cotton candy and blue raspberry dum-dum lollipop wrappers look more dissimilar.

another one bites the dust.

Another girl has to be crossed off my list of girls I may want to date for an utterly Seinfeldian AIM reason:

(discussing going to see the Wonka remake and my love with the original)

GirlWhosScreennameImKeepingSecret1281: i already saw it, its so good, its better than the first one

Sigh.

Tangent - Other reasons I girls have bid the list adeau:

1. Quoting Sex and the City in AIM profile
2. Misquoting something I like (can't think of any specifics, but it's happened)
3. Quoting something that's obviosly not about what they think it is
4. Quoting something they definitely haven't read
5. Being stupid
6. Telling me I'm too into poker
7. Liking really stupid music
8. Telling me I correct grammar mistakes too much
9. Suggesting really stupid things to go to (i.e. go to High Street in Pottstown and ... I guess do whatever it is unintelligent people do on High Street)
10. Not liking my friends
11. Having friends I don't like
12. Being a dude (hasn't happened yet, but that would probably get you off the list right quick)


ADDENDUM:

JMC81584: ha i have a question
oOkayPlayer: k
JMC81584: i was wondering what ive done off of the itemized list of things that a girl can potentially do to get crossed off ur list of suitable girls to date ... it cracks me up
oOkayPlayer: haha, none that i can remember
oOkayPlayer: i think what got you crossed off was telling me you didnt want to hang out with me anymore, haha, that probably did it
JMC81584: i see

BJ and ST 4ever!

After the age of 22, you shouldn't be allowed to have messages to your boyfriend/girlfriend in your AIM buddy info.

I just wanna fly.

Is it possibly we're letting Sugar Ray get away with being a ridiculously bad band just because Mark Mcgrath is a pretty cool guy?

Tom Flocko.

Apparently the 50 year-old guy that runs the shipping department at my work and I are on the EXACT same poop schedule, and seeing as how he's half my size, 50, and it's never the same time everyday, I don't know exactly how that's possible.

Also, he always beats me in there by like 30 seconds, and he ALWAYS picks the middle stall out of 3. Who picks the middle stall??? It's gotten to the point where I try to anticipate when I might need to poop so I can get in there 30 seconds before him and do something to the middle stall so he cant use it, but alas, as soon as I arrive, there's ole Tommy's white Pumas stickin out from under the middle door. BLAST! I haven't discounted that this is some kind of Al Queda ploy; there's no way this could just happen.

Talk Talk and their hit song "Talk Talk"

If you're a band, and your hit song has the same name as your band, contact VH1 right then and there for your appearance on their one-hit-wonders reunion special. (See: Talk Talk - "Talk Talk" and Big Country - "In a Big Country")

As a sidenote, my theory about the bathroom exploding if you accidentally let the overly-sophisticated automated bathroom air fresher get down to 0 days on its counter has been disproven; it does, however, lead to a rather unpleasant olfactory experience upon entering the bathroom.

Phil Collins is drastically underrated. Guns and Roses are drastically overrated.

I've decided to start the "Really Bad Song Lyric of the Day." Our first entry comes from the founder of the club, Fred Durst:
"We're a fucked up place, Everybody's judged by their fucked up face, Fucked up dreams Fucked up life, A fucked up kid with a fucked up knife, fucked up moms and fucked dads, It's a fucked up a cop with a fucked up badge."

Incidentally, and monumentally ironic, this song is supposed to be a fuck you to Trent Reznor, one of the best lyricists of our time. Thank you once again Fred for being a caricature of yourself.

black smoke, white smoke, germans, yea.

oOkayPlayer: ah yeaaaaa
Myself By Colin: what are u so smug about?
oOkayPlayer: i won the papacy
Myself By Colin: rock on!
oOkayPlayer: yea i know
Myself By Colin: so ur benedict the 16th?
Myself By Colin: shouldnt u like, be in rome or something?
oOkayPlayer: i am
oOkayPlayer: im on my laptop in the vatican palace
oOkayPlayer: they got wireless up in this bitch
Myself By Colin: sweet, so what are u goin do as pope?
oOkayPlayer: bless stuff, chat with world leaders, NOT molest kids, try not to get so old i cant talk, the usual
Myself By Colin: you gonna fuck some holy whores? i heard that every pope gets 3
oOkayPlayer: sold 'em for weed money
Myself By Colin: you mean the cardinals dont hook you up?
oOkayPlayer: they'z all bitter i got the the papacy. they're like hoardin and telling their guys to tell me theyre all out and theres a "drought" but i talked to Clinton and he hooked me up
Myself By Colin: clinton's always reliable that way

bored on amazon.

I was bored at work so I decided to write reviews of a few books and albums I have never read or heard and see how many people mark them as "This Review Was Helpful To Me."

estimations.

I would estimate that 50% of U2's videos show Bono walking down some weird ass back street. About 20% of those are in black and white and show Bono with his hands in his pockets.

"By the time you come home, I am already stoned." from the song Home by Three Days Grace may well be the worst song lyric of all time; this is including the tright drivel written by Fred Durst such as ... sorry, I tried to type some of them out and threw up in my mouth.

I have to think Netscape Radio has somewhat of a skewed preception of music in the 90s as I would estimate their playlist on the 90s Alternative station to be made up of approximately 40% Pearl Jam songs.

If only the Governator could have shown some patience and waited another few months he could have run for the papacy. I did some polling and estimated that he would have raked in around 55% of the vote. The black smoke that gave many Popemaniacs false hope yesterday was , in fact, a result of big AHnold attempting to take the Vatican single-handedly with a machine gun and a grenade launcher. He was unsuccessful and instead retains his seat as Governor of Hollywood.

pissed.

Up until around 11pm last night I had a REAL nice streak of not seeing Lance Bass goin'.

about me.

Being a utilitarian pragmatist, I tend to loathe dishonesty, as it often leads to entropy.

prediction.

Fall Out Boy - a band you will know in a month.

Previous Predictions: John Mayer, The Roots, Foo Fighters, Ben Folds, The Used, The Mars Volta, The Beatles... ok, not The Beatles

Five Best Rappers Of All Time.

1. Dylan
2. Dylan
3. Dylan
4. Dylan
5. Dylan

Seriously though?

10. Mos Def
9. Grandmaster Flash
8. Slick Rick
7. Big Daddy Kane
6. Biggie
5. Eminem
4. Jay-Z
3. Rakim
2. KRS-One
1. Black Thought

Hon. Mention: Common, Method Man, Pharroh Monch, Tretch, Talib Kweli, Chuck D, Beastie Boys (Ad-Rock specifically)

a capilary hint of red. 

popular.

Three important rules for breaking up: don’t put off breaking up when you know you want to; prolonging the situation only makes it worse. Tell him honestly, simply, kindly, but firmly. Don’t make a big production. Don’t make up an elaborate story. This will help you avoid a big tear jerking scene. If you wanna date other people, say so. Be prepared for the boy to feel hurt and rejected even if you’ve gone together for only a short time and haven’t been too serious. There’s still a feeling of rejection when someone says she preferres the company of others to your exclusive company. But if you’re honest, and direct, and avoid making a flowery emotional speech when you brake the news, the boy will respect you for your frankness and honestly, he’ll apeciate the kind of straight foward manner in which you told him your decision. Unless he’s a real jerk or a cry baby you will remain friends.

Being attractive is the most important thing there is. If you wanna catch the biggest fish in your pond you have to be as attractive as possible. Make sure to keep your hair spotless and clean - wash it at least every two weeks, once every two weeks! And if you see Johnny football hero in the hall, tell him he played a great game. Tell him you like his article in the newspaper.

I propose we support a one month limit on going steady. I think it will keep you both more able to deal with weird situations and get to know more people. I think if you’re ready to go out with Johnny, now’s the time to tell him about your one month limit. He wont mind; he’ll apreciate your fresh look on dating, and once you’ve dated someone else you can date him again! I’m sure he'll like it. Everyone will appreciate it. You're so novel, what a good idea! You can keep you time to your self. You don’t need date insurance. You can go out with whoever you want to. Every boy, every boy, in the whole world could be yours! If you’ll just listen to my plan: The Teenage Guide to Popularity!

shy-vo.

courtney 978: so what about congress intervening with that law in the schiavo case?
oOkayPlayer: shoulda never happened
oOkayPlayer: it shouldn't have ever gotten that far
oOkayPlayer: the first judge should have been like "hey old people, thats the law, have a good one"

LMAO!! ...and other intolerable AIM phenomena.

There is absolutely a discernible difference between the AIM buddy info and away messages of intelligent versus unintelligent people. I'm pretty sure I could pinpoint someone's IQ within 20 points and SAT score within 100 points just by reading their buddy info and/or away message.

Rules of thumb for IQ:


30-60: Song lyric from a song that was on either the 'Too Fast Too Furious' soundtrack or a song by Omarion or Brittney Spears. Example: "Someone like you makes it hard to live without, Somebody else, Someone like you makes it easy to give, Never think about myself" - of course in pink or magenta. Also, the words "call the cell" appear frequently.

60-80: "Shout outs" to friends or loved ones accompanied by a song lyric from Simple Plan or one of the other 600 fauxpunk bands on TRL just like them. Example: "Girls: '..And these are the moments These are the times Let's make the best out of our lives. W340!" Webshots links also very common.

80-100: Dave Matthews lyrics and quote from Ben Stiller movie. Also things like: "Beach kids always feel no pain, and when they do, a case of Corona can always cure that. "

100-120: Inside jokes to friends, every time.

120-140: One or more original thoughts. Original thoughts are usually identified by their lack of quotation marks on either side of them as well as a dash and someone's name other than the user not following the words. (i.e. "Leaves are so pretty, flowers, love, pain, your body is disneyland" - Brandon Singersongwriter) NOTE: This group and the previous group are the only ones that ever actually write anything relevant to where they actually are in their away messages. The only exception is the aforementioned "call the cell" which sometimes appears as "out, call the celly."

140+: see oOkayPlayer's info

At this point I would like to point out a special subcategory which I am fairly confident I can say have either been born with a birth defect or have been labotimized without they're knowledge - anyone who quotes 'Sex and the City' and/or Paris Hilton. That's right, this previously not known to exist species has been discovered and is infecting the online world. If you spot this phenomenon, alert me as I may have finished development on technology that allows you to hit someone in the face with a tack hammer over AIM.

Rules of Thumb for SAT scores:

350 verbal - "I wanna be the girl he's scared to loose, the girl he can't walk away from knowing she's mad at him, the one he can't fall asleep without her voice being the last one he heers, I simply wanna be the one he couldn't live without." (nice run on and verb tense)

175 math - Philly Sports......so depressing No championships in 25 years!! ......Phillies - 1980, Eagles - 1960, Sixers - 1983, Flyers - 1976

2005-1983 = I want to burn down this kid's house.


Thanks, be on the lookout.

Whats Up?

spongeblake35: hey
oOkayPlayer: whuddupo
OkayPlayer: im experimenting with different phoenetic ways of spelling that
spongeblake35: how many are there?
oOkayPlayer: whatup, whaddap, whudup, whattap
oOkayPlayer: then theres wuzzup, wzup, wussap, wussup
spongeblake35: wow
spongeblake35: i had no ideao
OkayPlayer: yea, crazy

something soft, sad, and delicate. 

miranda.

where wolves hide in the company of men.

is it a sin. 

Problems

I'm currently assessing the magnitude of the problem that it appears there are now two Linkin Park songs that I like.

"Walk the Dinosaur" is either a really overrated or a really underrated song; I can't decide which.

There is a slight chance that I am beginning to like Emo - problematic would be an apt term for this developing situation.

Learning on a Saturday Morning

I learned that when it's a Saturday morning at 7am and you're peeing and you cough, it hurts. I'm currently researching whether or not it has to be Saturday morning and also if the time is actually a variable. Conclusions will be presented in a coming entry.

I learned on Queer Eye today that the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders are trained by a former Colonel in the Marines that still wears his Marine garb when training them. That made me nauseous for some reason.

I learned that some of my friends have horrible eye sight.

I learned that, when attempting to soften week-old Easter bread in the microwave, 1 minute 30 seconds is too long.

I learned that half and half mixed with water does NOT make milk.

I learned that watching "Misery" at 8am is not a good way to start out your Saturday morning.

I learned that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt broke up. Then I learned it again on another channel. Then another. Then I switched to ESPN to avoid any of the Bradifer breakup news, and there was a commercial for ET in which they mentioned the aforementioned breakup of the century of the week.

Finally, I learned that Captain, Coke, Antipasto, and buffalo wings to not get a long as well as I would have hoped when I made my order Friday night.

day at the beach 

The Office

Since the day I realized I could print out articles from Cardplayer.com and bring them to the bathroom with me to read, I would estimate I spend approximately one hour a day on the toilet; I am, however, a much better poker player for it.

The radio station they play in the plant area of my work plays elevator music versions of popular songs and I'm pretty sure they've played "Takin' it to the Streets" twice in one hour.

In the bathroom of my work they have an automatic air freshener device that somehow senses when the air gets too... uh, "fragrant" and releases the correct amount of air freshener into the air. It also has a digital readout that counts down the exact number of days until it will need to be refilled. This seems like a oddly massive amount of technology to go into something that gets rid of poop smell.

I have concluded that the radio station has in fact NOT played "Takin' it to the Streets" twice in one hour. I have, however, subsequently concluded that a remarkable number of songs sound like "Takin' it to the Streets" when done in elevator music.

A day on Netscape Radio

I am personally not of the belief there should be a rating system to distinguish between how bad John Mellencamp songs are; however, if such a rating system existed, "Small Town" would have to receive one of the lower of said rankings.

I'm prepared to say that, sadly, I prefer the 80s Club Nouveau version of "Lean on Me" to the original Bill Withers version.

If you can't describe why you don't like Radiohead without using the word "weird," you should have to say you don't understand Radiohead rather that you don't like Radiohead.

As with many news stories, the amount of time spent on the news covering the Pope's death and the time leading up to it is grossly disproportionate to the actual real world implications it will have. (See: "I get all the news I need on the weather report" - Simon and Garfunkel)

Every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.

If you like Basketball, good writing, or both, you must read NBA journeyman and benchwarmer Paul Shirley's "Road Ramblings": http://www.nba.com/suns/news/shirley_blog.html - self-deprecating conscious incompetence at its best.

Letter Number One

On this, my inaugural entry and cherry-popping experience into the world of 14 year-olds with webcams droning on about boyfriends and homework, I will take this time to set some ground rules for my blog:

1. It is not only allowed, but encouraged to correct any gramatical, spelling, or punctuation errors I should make; you will be properly accredited in the subsequent blog entry. (yes that is the proper use of a semicolon)

2. It is, however, not encouraged nor allowed to express disagreement with any of the views put forth in this blog; not because I think I'm always right, but just because I don't care what you think.

3. If you're a hot chick and you think I'm funny, most likely I would like to meet you.

4. If you do not know what esoteric means, please look it up before continuing to read my blog. Note: This rule does not apply to the aforementioned hot chicks.

5. If you have already emailed me about misspelling "grammatical" in rule number 2, please know I was merely being ironical. If you didn't notice it was misspelled, hmm.

In closing, this is basically a place for me to write the things that pop into my head when I'm at work and no one is on AIM for me to tell them to. Hopefully people will enjoy some of the things I have to say; at the very least it gives me something to do at work. (If you just said to yourself "Doesn't he have work he needs to be doing?", then you obviously don't know me that well and probably got this link from a friend). Enjoy.